It’s a good job Heidi got pregnant. That’s because this morning I received a letter from the British Adoption service we had registered with a few months ago. Unfortunately, despite the fact that Heidi and I would have loved the child beyond measure and having big coal fires to keep everyone...

So, I spoke to my mate Ken the maitre d yesterday……….well……………..when I say spoke we, of course, used the e mail thingy but we had a good conversation. We have been friends for many years and I like to think we are very, very similar. We are both are very...

Life was much easier when man lived in caves. We spent the day pulling women around by the hair, hunting, drawing on the walls and crapping in the corner. There were no forced trips to IKEA, no bollockings for leaving underwear on the bathroom floor or being asked “Do you still love me?” every Wednesday...

Last night I wanted to be back in the United States because you were all being treated to one of the most eagerly awaited television shows in modern history. I’m talking, of course, about 24 - Redemption, the further adventures of Jack Bauer, CTU’s (beep beep eeoooh) shouting whisperer, whose cell phone...

It has you doing the strangest things at 4 am. I won’t go into detail, but in the wee small hours of this morning, me and the toilet were joined at the bottom. After making my deposit and knowing that sleep would avoid me, I ventured downstairs and turned on the TV. In the US [...]

Just once………………just one time………………I would like to be able to sit here and tell you that my flight went well……………that I sat next to a normal person…………….or even that I sat...

If American Airlines was the snake in the garden of Eden, Eve would have paid for her own apple………………………..bloody hell……………$2 for a pair of headphones to watch a movie that has been cut so much as not to offend children...

I have never been much of a fan of parties. Maybe this comes from the fact that I was hardly ever invited to one and when I was…………….no bugger spoke to me. I would arrive at the party with dreams of meeting a girl ……………any girl…………...

I love food………………I really do. Last night I ate at what some would describe as a “fancy restaurant” and I will explain the point to all this in a moment…………………. But first let me tell you what was on the menu. I started with...

Birthdays are crap. Mine no longer tend to herald exciting parties and the greedy shredding of wrapping paper. They are now just mileposts that point the way toward the inexorable arrival of old age and incontinence. Because I’m an increasingly maudlin fellow, I tend to treat other people’s...